A group in far Western Kentucky calling itself ‘Nobody Talks, Everybody Walks,’ neither drinks nor uses drugs but is nonetheless fed up with Fourth Amendment roadside no-suspicion stops and DUI arrests and crime lab corruption, and has a solid plan to be consistent with the Commonwealth’s goal, which is, after all, to keep everybody honest.
The group members all have the cleanest blood you could possibly imagine, so the plan is to 1) generate guaranteed fucked up ridiculous unsupported unreasonable profile stops by having 1000 cars with out-of-state plates from California, Oregon, and the Weedbowl states Washington and Colorado driving the set speed limits all around town, obeying all traffic laws at any given time, and 2), when stopped invariably by the McCracken County Sheriff, on suspicion of DUI because you are from Seattle or God-forbid Boulder or worse yet: Los Angeles, hand over license, current insurance, registration, and then politely and firmly demand on the spot chemical blood test presumptive screening and quantification of: 6000 known drugs, all known religions, all major philosophies and three theories of the universe of choice.
Each person will carry several Physicians Desk References (PDRs), because it may be simpler to hand the arresting officer one of those and say, “I would like quantification, please, preferably on LC-MS-MS, but surely you have learned to work a GC/MS machine sometime in the last 20 years, haven’t you? If not, please send my blood to NMS Labs in Willow Grove, PA. Basically what I am looking for here officer is, a yellow book pages of zeros, for jury trial. Because we are going to jury trial, of course.”
Meanwhile all cars in the program have sophisticated data systems reflecting speed and direction at any given time so the officers can’t tell huge ass lies about the recordings in court, and likewise the prosecutors can’t testify either, as they usually do, without being under oath or subject to cross examination, because sometime officers do forget their lines. There is working audio visual inside the car and out, of course, and this is special: A rolling FBI crime Lab van on scene with redundant equipment, including capability to draw blood before the officer spikes your second sample. The pre-stop sample will be drawn from an indwelling central line. The after-stop sample will go to a CLIA-regulated clinical independant lab.
The group will stop state police lab analysts from coming into court and speculating about little green men on the lawn or the moon being made or green cheese, or anything outside their scope, especially if it is clinical. No trauma. No ACLS. No current vent setting theories for ARDS. And no clinical effects of drugs, especially ones that they claim they have never seen before and cannot find with a goddamn map.
No field sobriety tests whatsoever, absolutely no urine under any circumstances at all. Quantitative blood for everything under the sun. No guilty plea. Jury trial. Continuance to get the chain of evidence. Continuance to get the bench notes. Continuance to get the calibration papers. Demand to see the ISO-9000 compliance quality assurance documents. The proof of education documents for the lab tech, proof of continuing education.
This will be excruciating for the Commonwealth, of course. Too bad. They want more testing, by God us citizens are here and ready to comply with it. But there’s one condition. In fact, there are two. You want more testing? We get quantification on everything you want, from a reputable lab. Most sensitive limits of detection available. The citizens will obey the law. The Commonwealth will not get 50 bites at the apple, they will have to do 6000 tests up front. That’s the deal. We are here to comply. We will not play reindeer games with later-on fill-in-the-blank perjury.
The rogue group estimates that McCracken County may be broke in approximately 20 minutes because this will put a stop to the guilty plea extortion railroad mill once and for all. The group recently spoiled a dipstick cannabis guilty plea extortion scam in another town where officers were showing defendants a control dipstick, claiming cannabis was in the urine, so the defendants were guilty.
The current theme will feature West Coast a ‘dirty hippie’ theme that McCracken County Sheriffs will be absolutely helpless facing; they will be pulling law-abiding citizens over nonstop 24/7. Dreadlocks. Animal print pants, rolled up pants. Thongs. There will be a Lamborghini Veneno in Silver with red trim driven by a blond trannie in beautiful leather boots, driving the speed limit even though the car cruises at 200 MPH. In the back seat is a lone riding crop, and the designer CA tag says 2L8IWON. Subarus. Backpacks.Tie-die. Head bands. T-shirts, that say odd things, like, “There’s nervous and then there’s nervous;” “Failed the HGN;” “watery and bloodshot;” “nervous and fidgety,” and “unusual, disturbing and suspicious.”
Weed bumper stickers, things that say stuff like “free speech zone.” Roller blades. Bikes. Guitars. Bubble tea. Bags from the Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood. Designer sunglasses. Tons of music. Grateful Dead tie die. A faded receipt receipt from Michell Brother’s in San Francisco. CDs on tape. Books.
“Our current group of dirty hippies headed out to Kentucky to obey the law and get pulled over for no reasonable suspicion DUI includes a group of Jet Propulsion Laboratory Workers with PhDs in Physics from Caltech who designed their own badass interior trunk of their state of the art car to basically rove McCracken County like that thing on Mars. These guys are the same ones who pull those insanely amazing Rose Bowl scoreboard pranks every year and in that vein, they’ll cull all the data from the 911 tower and every cop car in the county and every nonworking body mike and dash cam video before you can say “lose the exculpatory evidence.”
“We have doctors out the ass, who are all volunteering to head out to Kentucky to obey the law, and testify as actual experts in clinical medicine, they have all agreed to allow the Commonwealth to put on its state crime lab analyst to pose as a clinical expert and then, it will essentially be sharks a a frenzy including, in no particular order, world class published experts in clinical medicine/internal medicine/critical care/toxicology from UCSF, USC Keck USC University, UCLA, UC Davis, Cedars Sinai, Loma Linda, UC San Diego, OHSU, Denver General, U of WA. While we are at it, we will swing by the CDC in Atlanta and pick up some law abiding hippie epidemiologists/toxicologists, and basically walk around Emory picking up PhDs in Organic Chemistry who have been working with things like extraction and GC/MS since Jesus was a baby.
“We anticipate a bogus profile stop at least every 15 minutes around the clock, they’ll be on their knees looking for cannabis in the hippie blood,” says the new director. “They’ll spend multiple thousands upon thousands searching for that molecule and they may as well piss up a rope because it won’t be there. And we know they really really want to work very hard to find evidence to prove guilt. We think our program will help them, in their expensive, frustrating and futile search.”
Volunteers are donating time, skills, and supplies to the program, which is catching on everywhere. A man in Missouri said, “This was so much fun, stinging the cops, hell I never wanted to drink again. We all went to cruise control, and they damn near went out of business, between that and the no more DUIs. We took control back of our rights and our town.”