Noah Got Drunk


by Crane-Station for Frog Gravy

Frog Gravy is a nonfiction incarceration account in Kentucky.

Frog Gravy contains graphic language.

Inmate names are changed.

Cell 107, McCracken County Jail, Winter, 2008

Breakfast this morning was strange, because to me, just listening, it sounded like locusts devouring a biblical country. Jail eating is not normal. Inmates gobble, hoard, smack, belch and fart. We yank and choke down food, slurp, slobber and grunt. We eat with a single hard plastic utensil called a spork, a hybrid between a spoon and a fork that is engineered to bend on impact, making it useless as a shank. There is much trading, spooning, shoveling, hoarding and handing back and forth sporkfulls of food. The binge symphony is punctuated with the words, “Are you gonna eat that?” The meal lasts for ten minutes until guards and working Class D males pick up the trays.

Binge and sleep, binge and sleep, occurs three times a day, not including commissary days. On those days, some inmates binge before the binge.

For the women of this jail, there is absolutely nothing to do except eat, watch TV and sleep. Only five Class D (ie, non-violent, mostly petty drug crimes) female final-sentenced state inmates are allowed to work a job, and none of the female jobs involve outdoor or even hallway work. The remaining Class D final-sentenced female inmates are nothing more than revenue units for the jail. The state of Kentucky pays money to the county for each state inmate because this facility is really good at providing the appearance on paper of being a ‘Class D’ facility for women. That means jobs and activities for women. In reality it’s nothing more a cement cage for women.

For these women, the days turn to months and then to years, and then they are released from the cement cage into the community and the street, with nothing to show for the time spent but massive weight gain and the thousand-yard stare.

Many of them will return.

I am seated at a steel table wearing a terry cloth towel equivalent of a tin foil hat on my head, looking at some papers. The first one is a Kentucky Jail Ministries (US 42 Florence KY 41042) church handout. It says:

I once read: God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called. The world might say there are many reasons why God wouldn’t want to use you or me, but don’t worry:

Moses stuttered
Mark was rejected by Paul
Hosea’s wife was a prostitute
Amos’ only training was in the school of fig tree pruning
Solomon was too rich
Abraham was too old
David was to young
Timothy had ulcers
Peter was afraid of death
John was self-righteous
Naomi was a widow
Paul was a murderer
So was Moses
Jonah ran from God
Miriam was a gossip
Gideon and Thomas both doubted
Jeremiah was depressed and suicidal
Elijah was burned out
John the Baptist was a loudmouth
Martha was a worry-wart
Samson had long hair
Noah got drunk

Things go from bad to worse in the cell. We are already on ‘double secret probation,’ and are without phone and TV. We lost these things because Ruthie was on Sirkka’s bunk getting her hair curled for her mother’s funeral the next day. We lost these privileges for longer than we did that time when the whole cell got busted smoking cigarettes.

Sirkka becomes progressively more infantile, manipulative, sexual and annoying, until finally she and Joyce get into hurling verbal insults at each other. Sirkka writes a note to the guards asking to be moved out to a suicide cell. They move her. We do not know if she will return or not; she is running out of options and will soon have on her list of past addresses, every female cell in the jail.

I am relieved for the temporary quiet. While I do not want to attack her personally, because I like her and think she has a good heart, some of the things she did enraged me. Her food binges, for example. She would start grabbing at, asking for, and hoarding food until she had a sick amount of food in front of her. Meat patties; four, five or six slices of bread; two, three or four helpings of mashed potatoes; mounds of cake and pudding. I had not thought of my own struggle with bulimia in years, but having someone binge-eat in front of me several times a day, bothers me.

She also ate and drank everyone else’s commissary, and weaseled people out of phone time, stamps, envelopes, paper, and anything else she could get. If you were away from your bunk, she took your blankets, or worse, demanded that you take your blankets and cover her up”like a baby,” and rub her back until she falls asleep “like a baby.”

Sirkks’a latest love interest on the outside is a crack-smoking married guy with four or five kids, whom she had been sleeping with for drugs. Inside she he walks around the cell half naked, screaming, yelling, giggling, and showing tits, ass and crotch to the Class D men working the hallway.

We suspect that she came to our cell during a manic phase of a bipolar cycle. She was unmedicated. We dealt with her situation the best we could, and tried to remain kind while she was here, but we couldn’t handle her and welcomed the quiet after she left.

All psychiatric medication is prescribed by a social worker, if it is prescribed at all. Perhaps an MD or ARNP is signing off on the prescriptions, but these people never lay eyes on the inmates, nor do they perform a single assessment. Given this deficiency in medical care, I have little hope that Sirkka will ever receive proper medical intervention during her stay in this jail.

I adjust the towel on my head and make my selection from the church handout before me:

Noah got drunk.

12 Responses to Noah Got Drunk

  1. colin black says:

    ot sORRY MY NUPTIALS AGAIN.

    got married on Dec Fri 13 yr 2013

    Elleven Femmes at the wedding two males me an bestman Toerag my Tabby So 13 at the ceromany me Gail9 guests an 2 female registars to perform the union.

    Bride looked radiant me not so much .

    But get this a got friends In high down low an none are sly.

    My Dear old Dad be doing cartwheels in his Grave as one of oor Guests was a good friend of ours Flick Drummond the Consrvitve MP For Southsea.

    Never thought me an better Half would marry so lzate in life.
    But a birdie told me she was asking me next year as its a leapppppp .
    An I couldt have refused so I guzzuped jher.

    An never have believe the after wedding party was wish I could post photos

    bye all peace oot

    pps flick even gave us a shout oot on face book.

    Think I will phone her tommoto an offer my service as a PR GURU OR A gNOU. cAPAIGN mANEGER

    https://www.facebook.com/flickdrummond

    if YOU LOOK ON THE LEFT HANDSIDE OF HER FACEBOOK PAGEHE MENTIONS ATTENDIN MY wife AN I WEDDING.

    sHE REALY iS AWONDERFULL AN CAREING LADY.

    a rAREITY IN POLITION WHOM PUTS SEVICE TO THE PUBLIC .

    Above self gain or publicity.

    Anyone whom ccan sit through 3 kids Nativity plays a day for a week gets my sympathy an my vlote.

  2. colin black says:

    Noah got Drunk .
    So to punish him GOD destroyed all solid land with floods of water.

    So Noah was surrounded by water but not a drop of booze to drink.

    Way to teachone to become teatotal.

    Pity he also had to commit genoside to turn Noah into a righteous man.

    Besides an infinite creator of all wouldn’t insist we worship or believe in him.

    He would be above all that.
    Demi Gods an Tyrants are the insecure fucks that need our adoration.

    A real omnipotent energy could care less.

    As he would be all knowing .

    aN EVEN I WHOM am as far removed fropm all knowing..
    Realise it don’t amount to nothing what strangers think of you or believe about you.

    All that matters are the ones you cherish an care about ,

    There opinions important

    The masses insignifican an meaningless.

    Have a great Christmas an an even better life in 2014

    PEACE OUT.

    aN REMEMBER DONT LET THE BASTARDS GRIND YOU DOWHNNNNNN.

    jUST THINK A FEW DAYS iVE BEEN wedded BLISS FOR A YEAR.

  3. colin black says:

    Happy Christmas eve all you minen friends from alternate universe .

  4. bettykath says:

    Another well told story. Thank you.

  5. colin black says:

    When forced into confinement the small things people do habits of speech.
    Or people whom insist on singings..BADLY..to every tune on the radio or whistle or hum along.

    Small irritations take on huge significance way out of proportion to what your reaction.Would be if you could simply walk away from your tormentor.

    But you don’t have that option so its the actions an talk of other inmates that are the worst thing about being incarserated.

  6. This:

    “All psychiatric medication is prescribed by a social worker, if it is prescribed at all. ”

    was true, at least at that time. While I have no idea what the laws were/are on social workers prescribing, she was the one. The woman I describe in this post was completely out of her mind. She was at the mercy of the social worker, and not a doctor, as she should have been. I fear that this is the scenario in many jails in this country, ie, the mentally ill are disposable widgets.

  7. stan says:

    Then again, there is the ‘Tristram Shandy’ (1759) method of circumcision as envisioned by Laurence Sterne.
    Dear little Tristram had the habit of needing to relieve himself at night, and did so with the help of a servant who held the window open while Tristram did his business.
    But alas the counter-weights in the windows were borrowed by Tristram’s uncle who had the pastime of removing the counter-weights with which he cast toy lead soldiers.
    And thus, as Tristram watered the flowers below, the servant let go of the window, it fell with a thud, and the rest is history.
    I must advise you to exercise imaginative caution as to what happened next.
    Hint: The end (intentional) result was dear little Tristram got wacked via what can only be called the guillotine method.
    You think maybe the French purloined this procedure to remove unwanted aristocrats from the telephone directories in 1789?
    Or, maybe the servant was a closet Mohel?
    Only the ‘Shadow’ knows!

  8. stan says:

    And lest we forget:
    Shem was born without a foreskin.
    How’s that for getting penalized right out of chute?
    Of course, it did save the expense of a mohel.
    Ouch!

    • Well you are a lot more awake than I am, I had to look this bit of history up, but yes, on Noah’s eldest son, Shem:

      Shem (Hebrew: שֵם, Modern Shem Tiberian Šēm ; Greek: Σημ Sēm; Arabic: سام Sām; Ge’ez: ሴም, Sēm; “renown; prosperity; name”) was one of the sons of Noah in the Hebrew Bible as well as in Islamic literature. He is popularly regarded as the eldest son, though some regard him as the second son. According to some Rabbinic traditions, Shem was born without a foreskin (aposthia); which may indicate a basis for circumcision that predates the covenant of Abraham. There is however, no explicit indication of this in the Genesis text. [1][2]

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shem

      In fact, from what I can glean there, this may have possibly been at least one historical explanation for the origin of circumcision, and mohels. (mohel is pronounced moil, for folks unfamiliar. A mohil performs a circumcision on an infant male, when the baby is 8 days old, a Jewish tradition/rite.)

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